The Best Restaurant Service

The best restaurant service has very little to do with whether your waiter remembers the evening specials, whether he gets your order right, or whether he threatens something terrible if you don't tip him. Our two waiters the other night did all those things, but they were the best waiters I think I've ever had.

I'd gone crazy cooking spaghetti with three different sauces, meat sauce, sauce with meatballs (the boys' favorite), and a primavera sauce with sweet peppers, onions, zucchini, pesto, etc. (for me). But I was in the mood for a date with Clint, so I asked Andrew if he’d be interested in being the “waiter” for me and Daddy to have a romantic dinner. He was all over that, enlisting Jacob as his assistant.

Both waiters dictated exactly what I'd wear (a little black number with white and pink that Waiter Andrew had actually handpicked for me months ago in the store). When Clint got in from work, he was ordered by Andrew to get in the shower, "no questions asked," and I was ordered to wait on the couch. Andrew and Jacob then locked the bedroom door, cranked up the A/C, cleared off the office table and lit a candle. About the time Clint came into the living room wondering why he was locked out and why I was dressed so nice, Andrew showed up in a collared shirt with a folded hand towel draped over his forearm.

“Your table for two is ready,” he said, suppressing a smile.

Clint and I walked holding hands down the hall behind him, then sat awkwardly at the table, as if on a first date. Clint softened the atmosphere by putting on some music for the restaurant.

Our waiters were a great tag team. Silverware wrapped in napkins, then drinks. (Andrew had been disappointed we didn’t have Fresca to serve Clint, then in walked Clint from work with a fresh cold Fresca from the neighborhood pulperia. Perfect!)

“I’m sorry but tonight we only have one selection for you—spaghetti." (Hey, what about the three different sauces! And the green beans!)

"Can I get you anything else?" Head Waiter asked after delivering the food, suppressing a smile again.

"Yes, do you have any bread?" Clint, testing the wait staff.

Jacob came back with slices of coconut bread microwaved with butter served on two Tupperware lids. Clint's sat for too long and became a big, soft crouton.

"Excuse me, the chef wants to know if you would be interested in a mystery desert for two,” asked Jacob.

"Sure."

A bright green plastic plate arrrived with two lemon cookies for eyes, one square wheat thin for a nose, and about six multi-colored gummy fruit snacks in the shape of a smile across the bottom.

When Jacob took the desert plate away, he was almost out the door when he said, “Oh, would you like me to take that cup, ma’am?” I said no, that I thought I’d finish it off, but he could take the knife. As soon as he was back out the door, Clint and I stared at each other and burst into laughter. There was just something so funny about the way he’d said it.

Our bill: “spegetti and desert--FREE," but on the flip side it said, “tip nessesary or else*.” (I’ve got to add those words to the spelling list.) We sent Jacob back with two $50 bills, asking that we get our change back. Andrew came back with two Lemps (the equivalent of ten cents). We all laughed. Well, poor Jacob thought he really was gonna get the $50.

“Oh, we thought those were 50 Lemps, not dollars.” So we ended up giving them 50 Lemps (about $2.50) each for the service. Not bad.

It wasn’t until I was almost done doing all the dishes with the leftovers in the frig that the assistant waiter burst in saying, “I’m so hungry! Where’s my food!” Oh yeah, he’d actually said he was so hungry around 5:30, when I was busy cooking. Poor things. They were so focused, they forgot their own stomachs.

And I so enjoyed the date (and the waiters), I forgot, too.

*I was informed by the Head Waiter later that he had two Nerf guns stuck in his pants, just in case.